Apr. 17 2014 — 12:11 am | 484 views

National Cliché Advisory Board Bans 8 More Overused Phrases

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-04-16 at 1.33.47 PMThe National Cliché Advisory Board, a distinguished organization founded in 1999 to get rid of annoying new clichés as they begin to saturate the culture, has issued its latest ban, prohibiting the use of eight trendy phrases.

In the past 15 years, NCAB has banned hundreds of irritating, mind-numbing clichés, including “awesome,” “just sayin’,” “it’s all good,” “at the end of the day,” “game changer,” “it is what it is,” “wait for it,” “don’t go there,” “do the math,” and “it’s not rocket science.” (Complete list available on request, only I’m busy, so don’t request.)

The NCAB was founded in 1999 by me. The chairman is me. The other board members are me. The spokesperson and vice president for publicity? Me.

You got a problem with that?*

The fact that no one pays any attention to NCAB rulings has not stopped us from conducting our important work, nor will it ever. Our satisfaction here at NCAB comes from knowing how superior we are to all you trite, unoriginal lamebrains out there mouthing your shopworn phrases all day long and thinking you’re witty, you dumb bastards.

Anyway, the latest official pronouncement. Here it is:

The following eight punchlines or expressions or memes or whatever they are can no longer be used in movies or TV shows, e-mails, texts, sexts or casual, person-to-person verbal grunting, as they are trite, lame, cringeworthy, overused to the point of nausea, and worst of all, no longer funny.

BANNED:

1. That went well. Only disallowed if that—whatever that may be–didn’t go well. If that did go well, then you can say “that went well,” because then it’s not a cliche.

2. My work is done here. This phrase is now reserved for  superheroes who have performed a super-heroic act, such as saving Little Rock, Arkansas, from nuclear annihilation. The rest of you smart-asses have work to do.

3. You clean up nice. First of all, it’s “nicely.” Secondly, shut up.

4. That’s why I get the big bucks.  Ooh, you’re so ironic! I can’t stop laughing.

5. I’m just fucking (or messing) with you. And I’m just punching you in the face, you hostile, infantile creep.

6. And how’s that working out for you? Not as well as the first eight thousand times I heard the line.

7. I’m gonna school you. School’s out, dunce. Let us please revert to the less trendy “teach.” Feel educated now?

8. I call bullshit on that. What, pray tell, was wrong with plain old “Bullshit!”? Adding the pompous extra verbiage is itself a form of bullshit, Mr. No Bullshit.

 

*By the way, never say, “You got a problem with that?” It was banned in 2006.

 

Mar. 09 2014 — 5:17 pm | 1153 views

Your Life Will Never Be the Same After You Read This Scene from Paramount’s Biblical Blockbuster ‘Noah’

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-03-09 at 3.27.03 PMOn March 28, “Noah,” starring Russell Crowe and directed by Darren Aronofsky (“Black Swan”) premieres. Paramount has issued an “explanatory message” that states: The film is inspired by the story of Noah. While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide.” Grossblogger.com has obtained the screenplay of “Noah.” Here is a key scene:

God: Noah, awaken!

Noah: What? Who’s that?

God: It is I, your Lord God. I have an urgent task for you.

Noah: But I just fell asleep. I’m 547 years old and I’m really tired.

God: Wake up! A hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

Noah: You’re waking me up for a weather forecast?

God: There shall be rain for forty days and forty nights. I shall send upon the earth a great flood to sweep away the wickedness of mankind.

Noah: Seriously?

God: The God of the earth and the heavens and the seas does not kid around.

Noah: OK, but a fatal flood, isn’t that a little extreme?

God: It is the will of God.

Noah: Well, thanks for the heads up, but I don’t see what I’m supposed to do with the information.

God: You shall build an ark, Noah.

Noah: You mean a flat-bottomed chest, like the Ark of the Covenant?

God: No, a big wooden boat. Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and fifty cubits high.

Noah: What’s a cubit?

God: forty-four point five centimeters.

Noah: Why didn’t you say so?

God: I am unknowable. The ways of Me are mysterious.

Noah: Look, God, all due respect, I don’t know how to build a boat. I’m a patriarch; I work indoors. Contracts, deeds, settling labor disputes, that sort of thing.

God: I will guide you. Because you are virtuous, only you and your immediate family will be saved. The rest must perish for their wickedness.

Noah: Wait, you’re saving my obnoxious son-in-law, Melch, and you’re killing my nice bookkeeper, Mrs. Pincus, who brings me cookies on my birthday?

God: Do not question the Lord!

(thunder, lightning, hailstones the size of turkeys)

Noah: Sorry. No offense. But I just have to say, three hundred cubits, that seems pretty enormous for just me and my family.

God: You shall fill the ark with two of every living thing and gather all food that is eaten by them. And you shall take them aboard that they may be saved from the roiling waters.

Noah: But that’s gonna take forever! Do you know how many species there are?

God: In fact, I do. Twelve million, four hundred thousand, nine hundred and sixteen.

Noah: And they’re all gonna fit on the ark?

God: I can make anything happen. I am the Lord God of the earth, the sky, etcetera.

Noah: So why bother with this whole flood storyline? Why not just snap your fingers and make all the wicked people disappear?

God: I’ll tell you why. Because forever afterward, the flood legend will stand as a great lesson, and remembering it, man will never again return to his wickedness. Instead he will be virtuous and good and law abiding and kind to his fellow man, and he shall live in a paradise on earth.

Noah: You’re sure about that.

God: Of course. I’m omniscient.

Noah: Wow, that sounds wonderful. You are awesome, my Lord.

God: Ah, for once, I am hearing that expression used properly.

 

Jan. 30 2014 — 4:48 pm | 593 views

Internet Headlines For Which I Made Up My Own Story Rather than Be Let Down By the Real One

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-01-30 at 4.30.46 PMThis Dog’s Human Passed Away. What Happened Next is Unbelievable.

The dog, whose name is Kong, was sad for a time, even howled a bit. But then he remembered what a jackass his human had been, often getting drunk and forgetting to take Kong out for his walk, then smacking him for peeing on the rug. Or cyber-stalking the good-looking blond on the third floor. Or cheating at Words With Friends. Remembering another thing his human had often done, Kong called Myung Sung Chi and ordered some takeout. He got beef with scallions, beef with broccoli, beef with black bean sauce and beef with cashew nuts. He tipped the delivery guy twenty bucks that he’d found in his human’s jeans. (The body was still in the bathroom, where it had expired on the toilet.) Kong ate every bit of the Chinese food he had ordered. The next day, feeling lazy, he ate his human.

From The Outside, This Is An Old Shut Down Cement Factory. But Go Inside And… WHOA!

I went inside and…WHOA indeed. It turned out the Old Shut Down Cement Factory was actually a Nazi submarine base! It was the perfect cover. Who would ever suspect that this sooty ruin on Connecticut’s peaceful Housatonic River would be sending U-boats into the Atlantic to prey on merchant shipping along the East Coast? Unfortunately, just as I was about to detonate the explosive charge I happened to have with me, I was seized by the Gestapo, tortured, and dragged dazed and bleeding before the base commander, Unterwasserkapitan Werner von Konigschwempeter. “You have good security here,” I told him, “but they could use some remedial work on searching prisoners.” With that, I pulled a Derringer from a body cavity* and fired a bullet into his forehead.

Stop Everything You Are Doing And Watch This Dog Dance

I stopped everything I was doing and watched the dog dance. Unfortunately, what I had been doing was performing CPR on my wife of 32 years, who had suffered a massive heart attack. The emergency-room doctor at Beth Israel said Nadia probably would have lived had I continued the CPR for just a few more minutes.

Woman with ‘World’s Most Instagrammed Ass’ Gives Rare Video Interview

Charlie Rose: What’s the most satisfying thing about having an enormous, shapely, voluptuous ass?

Ass Woman: Walking down the street and seeing the havoc, the men’s mouths falling open, their tongues hitting the sidewalk; the cars, trucks and buses screeching to a halt, crashing into each other, the screams of the dying, all that kind of stuff.

Mika Brzezinski: Do you ever admire your own spectacular ass in the mirror?

Ass Woman: I don’t need a mirror. My ass sticks out so far I just glance over my shoulder.

Gayle King: What do you see in the future for your magnificent ass?

Ass Woman: I’m hoping it will get its own TV show and also snag a lot of lucrative endorsements for various ass products.

David Gregory: Are there any problems caused by having such a formidable ass?

Ass Woman: Not yet but if my ass gets any bigger, I won’t be able to walk unless I hire a couple of ass wranglers to hold it up.

Devil Baby Attacks New Yorkers in Terrifying Prank

It had been a good day for the devil baby. His terrifying prank had worked beautifully. Fourteen New Yorkers lay dead and eight others had gaping throat wounds. Back in Hell, Satan tenderly washed the blood off the little fellow’s face and fed him his favorite snack, a deviled egg. “Coo coo,” said Satan. “It is well that I spawned you, my dear child. Vladmir Putin won’t be around forever.”

_______________

*I’m not saying which body cavity; I might need to use this trick again some day.