Jul. 30 2014 — 1:06 am | 888 views

Yelp Reviews of World War I

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-07-23 at 5.39.56 PM(Excerpts from soggy old documents recently found in the basement of an ancient cheese store in a village in northern France)

★★★★ I’d never heard of this great war until some acquaintances from Germany came by and insisted that my friends and I try it. Though the combat was much too noisy and the ambience was crap (I found a rat in my trench!), the sheer scale of the conflict was exquisite and the stupendous shelling literally took my breath away. Kudos to the artillery spotters!

★★★  I wasn’t a fan of previous conflicts between France and Germany, but this time they’ve nailed it. The Western Front serves up the biggest, bloodiest battles I’ve ever tasted and this new entry, the “tank,” is an exciting addition to the weapons menu. If there’s any disappointment, it’s the Russian front–hard to get to and a bit raw for my taste. But chacun a son gout!

★ When I enlisted, I was led to believe that this would be a quick, fun fight with lots of opportunities for advancement in rank and personal glory. Instead, I found it to be an appalling quagmire of carnage and mindless destruction. Also, the food is subpar. Having chosen to desert, I won’t be returning to this war and cannot recommend it to anyone who really cares about fine dying.

★★★★★ Superb! I came here with a party of 1,600 and though we were walk-ins, we were immediately shown to the front lines. About 650 of us had the Somme while the others opted for the Verdun special. We were more than satisfied, and a few of us even survived. I’ll definitely be coming back for more, not necessarily by choice, and I can’t wait to see what surprises those wizards Ludendorff and Hindenburg whip up next.

★★ This trendy conflict is so overrated. The enemy spent nearly an hour chatting behind their barbed wire and when they finally attacked us, they were surly and rude. The machine-gunning, which I’d heard so much about, was uninspired, and the so-called aerial combat could best be described as crude. On the upside, at least you do get plenty of complimentary mustard gas. Overall, I hear there’s a bigger and better world war being planned by the proprietors; I’ll wait for that one.

 

Apr. 17 2014 — 12:11 am | 1801 views

National Cliché Advisory Board Bans 8 More Overused Phrases

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-04-16 at 1.33.47 PMThe National Cliché Advisory Board, a distinguished organization founded in 1999 to get rid of annoying new clichés as they begin to saturate the culture, has issued its latest ban, prohibiting the use of eight trendy phrases.

In the past 15 years, NCAB has banned hundreds of irritating, mind-numbing clichés, including “awesome,” “just sayin’,” “it’s all good,” “at the end of the day,” “game changer,” “it is what it is,” “wait for it,” “don’t go there,” “do the math,” and “it’s not rocket science.” (Complete list available on request, only I’m busy, so don’t request.)

The NCAB was founded in 1999 by me. The chairman is me. The other board members are me. The spokesperson and vice president for publicity? Me.

You got a problem with that?*

The fact that no one pays any attention to NCAB rulings has not stopped us from conducting our important work, nor will it ever. Our satisfaction here at NCAB comes from knowing how superior we are to all you trite, unoriginal lamebrains out there mouthing your shopworn phrases all day long and thinking you’re witty, you dumb bastards.

Anyway, the latest official pronouncement. Here it is:

The following eight punchlines or expressions or memes or whatever they are can no longer be used in movies or TV shows, e-mails, texts, sexts or casual, person-to-person verbal grunting, as they are trite, lame, cringeworthy, overused to the point of nausea, and worst of all, no longer funny.

BANNED:

1. That went well. Only disallowed if that—whatever that may be–didn’t go well. If that did go well, then you can say “that went well,” because then it’s not a cliche.

2. My work is done here. This phrase is now reserved for  superheroes who have performed a super-heroic act, such as saving Little Rock, Arkansas, from nuclear annihilation. The rest of you smart-asses have work to do.

3. You clean up nice. First of all, it’s “nicely.” Secondly, shut up.

4. That’s why I get the big bucks.  Ooh, you’re so ironic! I can’t stop laughing.

5. I’m just fucking (or messing) with you. And I’m just punching you in the face, you hostile, infantile creep.

6. And how’s that working out for you? Not as well as the first eight thousand times I heard the line.

7. I’m gonna school you. School’s out, dunce. Let us please revert to the less trendy “teach.” Feel educated now?

8. I call bullshit on that. What, pray tell, was wrong with plain old “Bullshit!”? Adding the pompous extra verbiage is itself a form of bullshit, Mr. No Bullshit.

 

*By the way, never say, “You got a problem with that?” It was banned in 2006.

 

Mar. 09 2014 — 5:17 pm | 1939 views

Your Life Will Never Be the Same After You Read This Scene from Paramount’s Biblical Blockbuster ‘Noah’

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-03-09 at 3.27.03 PMOn March 28, “Noah,” starring Russell Crowe and directed by Darren Aronofsky (“Black Swan”) premieres. Paramount has issued an “explanatory message” that states: The film is inspired by the story of Noah. While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide.” Grossblogger.com has obtained the screenplay of “Noah.” Here is a key scene:

God: Noah, awaken!

Noah: What? Who’s that?

God: It is I, your Lord God. I have an urgent task for you.

Noah: But I just fell asleep. I’m 547 years old and I’m really tired.

God: Wake up! A hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

Noah: You’re waking me up for a weather forecast?

God: There shall be rain for forty days and forty nights. I shall send upon the earth a great flood to sweep away the wickedness of mankind.

Noah: Seriously?

God: The God of the earth and the heavens and the seas does not kid around.

Noah: OK, but a fatal flood, isn’t that a little extreme?

God: It is the will of God.

Noah: Well, thanks for the heads up, but I don’t see what I’m supposed to do with the information.

God: You shall build an ark, Noah.

Noah: You mean a flat-bottomed chest, like the Ark of the Covenant?

God: No, a big wooden boat. Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and fifty cubits high.

Noah: What’s a cubit?

God: forty-four point five centimeters.

Noah: Why didn’t you say so?

God: I am unknowable. The ways of Me are mysterious.

Noah: Look, God, all due respect, I don’t know how to build a boat. I’m a patriarch; I work indoors. Contracts, deeds, settling labor disputes, that sort of thing.

God: I will guide you. Because you are virtuous, only you and your immediate family will be saved. The rest must perish for their wickedness.

Noah: Wait, you’re saving my obnoxious son-in-law, Melch, and you’re killing my nice bookkeeper, Mrs. Pincus, who brings me cookies on my birthday?

God: Do not question the Lord!

(thunder, lightning, hailstones the size of turkeys)

Noah: Sorry. No offense. But I just have to say, three hundred cubits, that seems pretty enormous for just me and my family.

God: You shall fill the ark with two of every living thing and gather all food that is eaten by them. And you shall take them aboard that they may be saved from the roiling waters.

Noah: But that’s gonna take forever! Do you know how many species there are?

God: In fact, I do. Twelve million, four hundred thousand, nine hundred and sixteen.

Noah: And they’re all gonna fit on the ark?

God: I can make anything happen. I am the Lord God of the earth, the sky, etcetera.

Noah: So why bother with this whole flood storyline? Why not just snap your fingers and make all the wicked people disappear?

God: I’ll tell you why. Because forever afterward, the flood legend will stand as a great lesson, and remembering it, man will never again return to his wickedness. Instead he will be virtuous and good and law abiding and kind to his fellow man, and he shall live in a paradise on earth.

Noah: You’re sure about that.

God: Of course. I’m omniscient.

Noah: Wow, that sounds wonderful. You are awesome, my Lord.

God: Ah, for once, I am hearing that expression used properly.