Feb. 19 2015 — 4:04 pm | 388 views

The Real Reason Why Obama Must Denounce Islam

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen Shot 2015-02-19 at 3.36.47 PMThe big outrage this week in the strange world of the right wing is: Why, oh why, in his ritual denunciations of terrorism, Obama leaves out the word Islamic.

Or Muslim. Muslim would be good, too. Either one.

See what the New York Post did with its cover?

They put a blindfold on the Prez. Witty. I would’ve gone with an ostrich cartoon myself, but OK. Blindfold’s funny. They’re laughing on Staten Island. They’re rolling around their desks at Fox News.

The ever calm and sensible right wing is convinced that if the President of the U.S. would only call the Islamic terrorists Islamic terrorists, a great blow would be struck against the enemy. ISIS would wilt. “OMG,” the Isisians would cry. “They’ve found out! Who gave us away? Find the traitor!”

And Americans would finally wake up to the fact that those Middle Eastern guys who call themselves the Islamic State and yell “Allahu Akbar” when they behead people are really Muslims, and not the Mormons and Scientologists they’re so easily confused with.

Of course there’s a problem with a policy whereby U.S. leaders go out of their way to denounce the entire Islamic religion: eventually we’d piss off every single Muslim in the world—not just the millions who already hate us, but all 1.6 billion of them. That’s 23 percent of the world’s population.

But, hey, who needs allies among the Muslims? Who needs Iraqis, Kurds, Saudis, Turks, Egyptians, Qataris, et al to help us fight ISIS when we could just ship over another couple of million American kids to spend a decade or two in the desert getting killed, maimed and post-traumatically stressed?

What, take advantage of fissures in the Muslim world to help us in the war against terrorism? Nah? Who needs that? Not us.

Better to give in to simple-minded, blind rage and scream that all Islam is evil and must be eradicated. Because there’s a big advantage in doing that. Which is, namely, um…

I mean there’s a good, logical reason that Obama should do Islam bashing rather than just terrorist bashing, and that reason is very simply that er…

Well, I’m sure the righties will get around to explaining it sooner or later. I mean there has to be a reason, right?

 

Feb. 04 2015 — 8:54 pm | 355 views

Guess Which Word Inside Of This Headline Is Heinously Wrong

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen Shot 2015-02-03 at 6.07.01 PMI’m here today to tell you recalcitrant dimwits that if you keep inserting the word “of” where it isn’t needed, you will all die.

Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. Maybe I’ll just kill a few of you as an example to the rest.

I don’t understand why this evil is happening now (in truth, I don’t understand why anything that’s happening now is happening, but let that go), but the sticking of “of” into sentences where no “of” is necessary is getting out of control.

Just the other day, Laura Ingraham said, “I just don’t think measles is that big of a deal.”

I know, you’re thinking, hey, it’s Laura Ingraham, she’s an idiot Republican, they’re wrong about everything, so of course she wouldn’t be content just to be wrong about fucking measles, she’d have to do something else wrong in the sentence to flaunt her heroic, epic wrongness.

Yet I’m seeing extraneous, superfluous, gratuitous and totally useless ofs promiscuously inserted everywhere by all kinds of people.

In particular, “inside” and “outside” are words that seem like irresistible provocations to the ofmongers.

Theatlantic.com, which is not exactly the language-challenged Buzzfeed, ran a subhead on an article about poverty in the suburbs that began, “More people with low incomes now live outside of cities…”

A few days later, in an article about God knows what, it recounted the saga of a nineteenth-century chess robot that checkmated all comers “because there was a chess master hiding inside of it.”

I suppose the writer would argue that if the chess master had merely been hiding inside it instead of of it, the sentence would never have fully conveyed the stunning drama of the occasion.

And in the Washington Post about five minutes ago, I spotted this atrocity about some Congressman’s baroque office decor: “‘It’s actually based off of the red room in Downton Abbey,’ said the woman behind the front desk, comparing it to the luxurious set piece at the heart of the British period drama.”

Shouldn’t that be “based on of the red room?”

Kidding.

I could give you a few thousand more examples of this loathsomeness, but they’d soon become depressingly tiresome. Just take my word of it.

Look, I have nothing against the word itself. Of is a modest little preposition with few pretensions, aside from the fact that it’s pronounced as if spelled uv, but English is full of such nonsense, so I forgive of.

What I can’t forgive, however, is the growing proliferation of ofs where no of should tread, especially in the news business. News people are trained to eschew excess and slash surfeits.

At least they used to be.

Maybe the new media find copy editors, with their dedication to crisp economy and their outrageous demand to be paid, an unnecessary luxury today.

Or maybe, just maybe, the invasion of ofs is a conspiracy by the nation’s hicks. Isn’t the yokel population always trying to slip its tater tots into the national word casserole? These are the subliterates who won’t be happy until we’re all saying, “Where’s he at?”

I don’t know it’s them for sure but I have my suspicions.

Whatever the reason, the excess ofing must cease. So be wary, be vigilant, keep it pure and don’t make me mad of you.

 

Dec. 16 2014 — 12:06 am | 561 views

U.S. Humorists Ready to Publish Parodies of Sony Hacks

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

"They're minimally talented, spoiled brats."

“They’re minimally talented, spoiled brats.”

This week, most of America’s professional humorists are hard at work on their parodies of the scandalous Sony Pictures e-mail hacks, which exposed the inner workings of one of Hollywood’s biggest studios. (Although one guy, just to be perverse, is writing a hilarious CIA cookbook featuring recipes for rectal hummus and anal tabouli.) Having just completed a quick survey of the satire community, I can report that most of their pieces are coming along nicely and soon will be online or in print. Here are some excerpts from the best:

Ramses’ hieroglyphic tablet hacks

O these vexatious Hebrews! They are slaves but think they are kings–especially that accursed Moses. What an insufferable, no-talent blowhard. Every day it’s “My God commands this, my God commands that.” A plague upon his house! On top of that aggravation, I’m a million silver rings over budget on bricks, I haven’t had a hit pyramid in decades, and the critics all hate the Sphinx. Plus, O Great Isis, how these bloody boils itch.

P.T. Barnum’s telegraph hacks

Never have I met such an egomaniac as that confounded General Tom Thumb. Yesterday, I caught him putting knockout drops in Jumbo’s hay so as to render the poor pachyderm unconscious, whereby the vile homunculus could have the spotlight all to himself. Then he got besotted and chased the Fiji Mermaid all over her tank. Now the little creep’s agent wires me to say Thumb doesn’t want to imitate President Garfield or Stephen Foster anymore; he’s a superstar, so all he need do is stand there and act the smallshot!

Nero’s scroll hacks

From the couch of Thespius, procurator, Imperial Sports and Recreation Department: Hail, Emperor Nero! Good news, divine one. I’ve talked Spartacus out of revolting and signed him for the title fight with Maximus.

From the bath of Nero: That is well, Thespius, but I’ve read the script for the contest and the ending is stinkus. It’s nothing but one stupid sword thrust after another! We need a twist. Something to bring the crowd to its feet, turn toward the royal box and cheer my glory till they’re hoarse!

Thespius: Oh my gods, divine one, you are so perceptive, so…so empirical. I shall straightaway fire the wretched scribe who devised this horrible script and put Climacticus, my highest paid ending writer, on the project

Nero: No need. I have myself conceived the perfect ending to the spectacle: We import some wild beasts from Africa and feed you to them!

               Ed Sullivan’s Phone Hacks

CBS president William S. Paley: Dorothy Kilgallen tells me you’re putting the Beatles on the show Sunday. What are Beatles, Ed?

Ed: They’re a bunch of minimally talented, spoiled brats from England. But the youngsters like them. You know I’d do anything for America’s youngsters.

Paley: The English! What do they know about rock and roll? They all have bad teeth and talk funny! Did you know they still have a monarchy? Who has monarchs anymore? Even the lepidopterists don’t go for monarchs

Ed: (laughing) Mr. Paley, You’re a regular Myron Cohen. Your bigoted, xenophobic humor never fails to break me up. Odd how you never do it in public, though.

Paley: Ed, when you’re a top corporate bigwig, you have to hide your true nature. We’re all callow, vicious, backstabbing, ruthless savages, you know. Can’t have that getting out now, can we?

Ed: Heck, no! I hope it never does.

Paley: Don’t be silly. It could never happen.