The National Cliché Advisory Board, a distinguished organization founded in 1999 to get rid of annoying new clichés as they begin to saturate the culture, has issued its latest ban, prohibiting the use of eight trendy phrases.
In the past 15 years, NCAB has banned hundreds of irritating, mind-numbing clichés, including “awesome,” “just sayin’,” “it’s all good,” “at the end of the day,” “game changer,” “it is what it is,” “wait for it,” “don’t go there,” “do the math,” and “it’s not rocket science.” (Complete list available on request, only I’m busy, so don’t request.)
The NCAB was founded in 1999 by me. The chairman is me. The other board members are me. The spokesperson and vice president for publicity? Me.
You got a problem with that?*
The fact that no one pays any attention to NCAB rulings has not stopped us from conducting our important work, nor will it ever. Our satisfaction here at NCAB comes from knowing how superior we are to all you trite, unoriginal lamebrains out there mouthing your shopworn phrases all day long and thinking you’re witty, you dumb bastards.
Anyway, the latest official pronouncement. Here it is:
The following eight punchlines or expressions or memes or whatever they are can no longer be used in movies or TV shows, e-mails, texts, sexts or casual, person-to-person verbal grunting, as they are trite, lame, cringeworthy, overused to the point of nausea, and worst of all, no longer funny.
1. That went well. Only disallowed if that—whatever that may be–didn’t go well. If that did go well, then you can say “that went well,” because then it’s not a cliche.
2. My work is done here. This phrase is now reserved for superheroes who have performed a super-heroic act, such as saving Little Rock, Arkansas, from nuclear annihilation. The rest of you smart-asses have work to do.
3. You clean up nice. First of all, it’s “nicely.” Secondly, shut up.
4. That’s why I get the big bucks. Ooh, you’re so ironic! I can’t stop laughing.
5. I’m just fucking (or messing) with you. And I’m just punching you in the face, you hostile, infantile creep.
6. And how’s that working out for you? Not as well as the first eight thousand times I heard the line.
7. I’m gonna school you. School’s out, dunce. Let us please revert to the less trendy “teach.” Feel educated now?
8. I call bullshit on that. What, pray tell, was wrong with plain old “Bullshit!”? Adding the pompous extra verbiage is itself a form of bullshit, Mr. No Bullshit.
*By the way, never say, “You got a problem with that?” It was banned in 2006.