On March 28, “Noah,” starring Russell Crowe and directed by Darren Aronofsky (“Black Swan”) premieres. Paramount has issued an “explanatory message” that states: “The film is inspired by the story of Noah. While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide.” Grossblogger.com has obtained the screenplay of “Noah.” Here is a key scene:
God: Noah, awaken!
Noah: What? Who’s that?
God: It is I, your Lord God. I have an urgent task for you.
Noah: But I just fell asleep. I’m 547 years old and I’m really tired.
God: Wake up! A hard rain’s a-gonna fall.
Noah: You’re waking me up for a weather forecast?
God: There shall be rain for forty days and forty nights. I shall send upon the earth a great flood to sweep away the wickedness of mankind.
God: The God of the earth and the heavens and the seas does not kid around.
Noah: OK, but a fatal flood, isn’t that a little extreme?
God: It is the will of God.
Noah: Well, thanks for the heads up, but I don’t see what I’m supposed to do with the information.
God: You shall build an ark, Noah.
Noah: You mean a flat-bottomed chest, like the Ark of the Covenant?
God: No, a big wooden boat. Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and fifty cubits high.
Noah: What’s a cubit?
God: forty-four point five centimeters.
Noah: Why didn’t you say so?
God: I am unknowable. The ways of Me are mysterious.
Noah: Look, God, all due respect, I don’t know how to build a boat. I’m a patriarch; I work indoors. Contracts, deeds, settling labor disputes, that sort of thing.
God: I will guide you. Because you are virtuous, only you and your immediate family will be saved. The rest must perish for their wickedness.
Noah: Wait, you’re saving my obnoxious son-in-law, Melch, and you’re killing my nice bookkeeper, Mrs. Pincus, who brings me cookies on my birthday?
God: Do not question the Lord!
(thunder, lightning, hailstones the size of turkeys)
Noah: Sorry. No offense. But I just have to say, three hundred cubits, that seems pretty enormous for just me and my family.
God: You shall fill the ark with two of every living thing and gather all food that is eaten by them. And you shall take them aboard that they may be saved from the roiling waters.
Noah: But that’s gonna take forever! Do you know how many species there are?
God: In fact, I do. Twelve million, four hundred thousand, nine hundred and sixteen.
Noah: And they’re all gonna fit on the ark?
God: I can make anything happen. I am the Lord God of the earth, the sky, etcetera.
Noah: So why bother with this whole flood storyline? Why not just snap your fingers and make all the wicked people disappear?
God: I’ll tell you why. Because forever afterward, the flood legend will stand as a great lesson, and remembering it, man will never again return to his wickedness. Instead he will be virtuous and good and law abiding and kind to his fellow man, and he shall live in a paradise on earth.
Noah: You’re sure about that.
God: Of course. I’m omniscient.
Noah: Wow, that sounds wonderful. You are awesome, my Lord.
God: Ah, for once, I am hearing that expression used properly.