Oct. 24 2014 — 5:25 pm | 510 views

Mr. Ebola Expert Answers Your Questions

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

Screen shot 2014-10-24 at 4.59.17 PMQ. I’m a New Yorker and I’m afraid. Can I get ebola from the L train?

A. No.

Q. Are you sure?

A. Yes

Q. Because yesterday, I took the L train to Brooklyn, and when I…

A. I said NO!

Q. I don’t have ebola, but I have severe ebola anxiety, and it’s so bad, I’m throwing up. What should I do?

A. That’s outside my area of expertise. I’m Mr. Ebola Expert. You want Mr. Ebola Anxiety Expert.

Q. There’s an ebola germ crawling up my wall. Is it safe to swat it, or would that just give me ebola?

A. That’s not possible. Ebola viruses are so tiny they are invisible to the naked eye.

Q. Oh, I know that. I’m using a powerful electron microscope.

A. Uh…All right, keep watching it. If it tries to leave your apartment, call the authorities.

Q. I’m a bowler and I bowled at the same alley where that ebola doctor bowled, so I was wondering if I can get ebola from–

A. No.

Q. Is ebola airborne? The experts say it isn’t, but two of my Facebook friends say it is.

A. It isn’t.

Q. Are you sure?

A. Yes.

Q. Can I panic anyway?

A. No.

Q. I watched the mayor’s news conference on ebola and then I started feeling a little feverish. Do I have ebola?

A. No.

Q. I live in the same neighborhood as the ebola doctor; does that mean I’m gonna die?

A. No.

Q. If a guy who has ebola coughs in my face, can I get ebola?

A. It’s possible. Did someone with ebola cough in your face?

Q. No, but I’m worried someone might.

A. Put a plastic bag over your head. Secure it tightly around your neck. Then it can’t happen.

Q. I went to the drugstore and asked to get the ebola vaccine, but they claimed they don’t have any ebola vaccine. They’re really saving it for the big shots, aren’t they?

A. There is no ebola vaccine.

Q. I knew it. I knew they were saving it for the big shots.

A. You know nothing.

Q. I was coming to New York this weekend but now I don’t know if I should. What do you think?

A. Don’t come.

Q. Because I could get ebola?

A. No, because we already have enough idiots.

Q. I just had twelve beers, and threw up, which I never do after only twelve beers. So I probably have ebola, right?

A. No. What you have is stupidity.

Q. I’m a cabbie. There’s a guy in the back of my taxi right now who looks to me like he has ebola. How do I throw him out without catching ebola? Hello? Is anyone there?

Editor’s Note: We’re sorry but Mr. Ebola Expert has resigned. This feature is discontinued.



Oct. 22 2014 — 12:51 pm | 163 views

Is Ebola Funny?

By Lewis Grossberger | Grossblogger.com

That's funny

That’s funny

Okay, for those of you about to explode in fury in the comments box, enraged by my mere posing of the question, let me save you the trouble by writing your indignant reply right now:

You think it’s funny that thousands have died, eh? Well, wait until you get ebola, wise guy. Wait until you’re (here insert horrible, lurid ebola symptoms–bleeding from the eyes, explosive vomiting, uncontrollable diarrhea, etc.), then we’ll see how funny you think it is.

Actually, it would be pretty funny. Imagine the headline on Gawker: Ha-ha, Guy Who Made Fun of Ebola Gets Ebola. It would also be tragic–for me, anyway; not so much for you–but undeniably funny.

See, it’s possible for something to be both. Funny doesn’t necessarily mean unserious. Or without its beneficial uses. The humorless don’t know that.

Most of them don’t even know they’re humorless.

The wait-until-you-get-ebola comment above, by the way, isn’t something I made up. It’s exactly the kind of disgusted utterance I’ve been reading in online venues, where ebola jokes have run rampant. Or you might say viral.

The other day for instance, some Twitter user posted the hashtag #AndNowIHaveEbola. The phrase was intended as a punchline, to which myriad tweeters then added the set-up. Hence:

I tore that tag you’re not supposed to remove off my mattress. And now I have ebola. 

I ate Taco Bell for lunch and Chipotle for diner. ANIHE.

I watched Honey Boo Boo. ANIHE.

Interspersed among these dark jests were the predictable bellows of umbrage, such as: This is sick! I can’t believe this trash is trending! Don’t you know people are dying?

Yeah. We do.

And we’re not happy about it. We’re not saying the victims’ pain and suffering amuses us. We’re saying something more like: “What kind of insane world is this where a person who one day is perfectly healthy can be stricken down the next day by an invisible barely alive organism that makes blood spurt from all one’s orifices? Laughter is a perfectly normal and healthy reaction to the cosmically absurd lunatic asylum we all live in and whose impersonal savagery we all will die from.”

And do you really need a psychologist to explain to you that joking about scary things makes them a little less scary, a little more endurable? Isn’t that kind of obvious? Maybe not.

Which is not to say, of course, that any joke about ebola is necessarily funny, or in the best possible taste.

There was one I heard about the poor guy who died in Dallas, and how his disease probably being caused by that hideous green shirt he was wearing in the news photos. I didn’t think that was too funny. You can if you want.

Joke quality varies. Taste varies. But you cannot rule out an entire category of subjects. Anything, yes, anything is potentially jokeable.

And please don’t give me the “too early” bit, the comedy- equals-tragedy-plus-time rule. That is not an actual law. It’s just something somebody said, and somebody else repeated.

If it’s funny, it’s funny.

Now if anyone deserves your fervid denunciation here in the time of ebola, it’s not the jokesters. It’s A. the hysterics, you know, the Omigod-we’re-all-gonna-die-crowd; and B. the politicians and cable-news people exploiting those panic-prone runamucks.

Of course, those two groups are pretty funny, too.

Except they’re not.


Oct. 17 2014 — 1:40 pm | 448 views

The Real, Honest-to-God, Totally Truthful Truth on How General Patton Died

By By Bill O'Reilly and Lewis Grossberger


General Patton

General Patton

The warrior with the five stars on his helmet cannot fight off the hooded man carrying the scythe.

General George S. Patton fears no one. But now he is flat on his back in a hospital bed. His upper body is heavily bandaged, the result of a bicycle accident twelve days ago. His bruised and bleeding head should be bandaged too, but the doctors could not pry off the helmet with the five stars on it, which Patton had welded to his skull in 1942.

The lethal man in the hood bobs and weaves around the bed, searching for an opening.

“Come on, you lousy bastard,” snarls Patton. “I’ve whipped tougher specters than you.” Even though paralyzed from the neck down, the fierce old soldier manages to pull his heavy, gold-plated, .49-caliber automatic from its brown leather holster and squeezes off three rounds.

But Death is spry for an apparition, and dodges the bullets. Now he sees his chance, and the terrible, razor-sharp scythe comes hurtling down.

“Ouch,” says Patton, the last word he will ever speak, unless you count the long string of obscenities. But they trail off after 20 or 30 minutes.

★   ★   ★   ★   ★

Of course, the man in the hood with the scythe wasn’t the real killer of George M. Patton. He is what we best-selling authors and our ghost writers call a literary device. The fact is that Patton was murdered by a Soviet agent wearing the uniform of an American GI. That agent, a SMERSH assassin named Sergei Malevolentikov, deliberately rammed his red, sixteen-gear Schwinnsky racing bike into Patton as the great general crossed a busy street in downtown Vienna, causing massive internal and external injuries. Malevolentikov then disappeared—Did you hear that? he disappeared!—and has never been located. Not too suspicious, huh?

Why did the Kremlin target Patton?

Because the Russians feared that Patton would reveal to the world that they were Communists, which would have immediately doomed America’s love affair with dictator Joe Stalin and his United Soviet Socialist Republic. They knew Patton had figured out the scam, and would tip off his brother-in-law, FBI Chief J. Edgar Hoover.

They also knew that Patton’s influence with President Franklin J. Roosevelt and Army Chief of Staff Gen. Dwight E. Eisenhower was enormous. It’s well known that both men had the highest regard for Patton’s savvy political opinions and frequently sought his counsel.

★   ★   ★   ★   ★

Now believe me, I know that my findings are going to stir up a veritable hornet’s nest. The same thing happened with my books on Abraham Lincoln, John J. Kennedy and Jesus Christ. I proved conclusively that all three of these great Americans were also murdered—despite some whining from so-called “intellectuals” that I got a few minor historical facts wrong.

Look, I’m a bold, controversial guy who makes provocative assertions in a very loud voice. My millions of fans understand that. They know I go for the big picture and tell the big truths. I leave it to the snarky professors to worry about crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s.

My next book, The Assassination of Elvis, will be even more startling and controversial. I’ll show how Elvis Presley was brought down by the Black Panthers and Occupy Wall Street, and I’ll do it with my usual audacious flair.

It will be out soon. The research for the book is almost done. I started it yesterday