Q. Are you sure?
Q. Because yesterday, I took the L train to Brooklyn, and when I…
A. I said NO!
Q. I don’t have ebola, but I have severe ebola anxiety, and it’s so bad, I’m throwing up. What should I do?
A. That’s outside my area of expertise. I’m Mr. Ebola Expert. You want Mr. Ebola Anxiety Expert.
Q. There’s an ebola germ crawling up my wall. Is it safe to swat it, or would that just give me ebola?
A. That’s not possible. Ebola viruses are so tiny they are invisible to the naked eye.
Q. Oh, I know that. I’m using a powerful electron microscope.
A. Uh…All right, keep watching it. If it tries to leave your apartment, call the authorities.
Q. I’m a bowler and I bowled at the same alley where that ebola doctor bowled, so I was wondering if I can get ebola from–
Q. Is ebola airborne? The experts say it isn’t, but two of my Facebook friends say it is.
A. It isn’t.
Q. Are you sure?
Q. Can I panic anyway?
Q. I watched the mayor’s news conference on ebola and then I started feeling a little feverish. Do I have ebola?
Q. I live in the same neighborhood as the ebola doctor; does that mean I’m gonna die?
Q. If a guy who has ebola coughs in my face, can I get ebola?
A. It’s possible. Did someone with ebola cough in your face?
Q. No, but I’m worried someone might.
A. Put a plastic bag over your head. Secure it tightly around your neck. Then it can’t happen.
Q. I went to the drugstore and asked to get the ebola vaccine, but they claimed they don’t have any ebola vaccine. They’re really saving it for the big shots, aren’t they?
A. There is no ebola vaccine.
Q. I knew it. I knew they were saving it for the big shots.
A. You know nothing.
Q. I was coming to New York this weekend but now I don’t know if I should. What do you think?
A. Don’t come.
Q. Because I could get ebola?
A. No, because we already have enough idiots.
Q. I just had twelve beers, and threw up, which I never do after only twelve beers. So I probably have ebola, right?
A. No. What you have is stupidity.
Q. I’m a cabbie. There’s a guy in the back of my taxi right now who looks to me like he has ebola. How do I throw him out without catching ebola? Hello? Is anyone there?
Editor’s Note: We’re sorry but Mr. Ebola Expert has resigned. This feature is discontinued.