Dec. 07 2011 — 12:48 pm | 4195 views

Inhabitants of ‘New’ Planet Panic After Discovery By Humans

By Lewis Grossberger

Kepler 22B

Terrified residents of Kepler 22B are reported to be in a state of “alarm and dismay” over the discovery of their planet by scientists on Earth.

“Oh my God,” said one Kepler inhabitant, Gerald Xnzkfarb, a 3,437-year-old blintz trader. “This is the end of our civilization. Kepler 22B is a paradise of peace, love, good manners and intelligent, rational thought. Now we’re finished. We don’t stand a chance.”

The planet was discovered by NASA’s Kepler Space Telescope in 2009. This week, new research showed Kepler 22B lies in what scientists call the Goldilocks Zone—meaning it has the proper atmosphere and climate to support human life.

Barnaby Flbzxrson, philosopher king of the Kepler 22B Federation of Harmonious Nations, addressed a z-mail message to Earthlings, warning them to ignore what he called “overly positive estimates about us.”

“Seriously, you guys wouldn’t like it here,” he said. “It’s really awful. More like Rumplestiltskin than Goldilocks. There’s nothing to see, nothing to do, no place to go. And the rumors of fantastic drugs that are legal and free are completely false. Oh, dear, I’m such a bad liar.”

Reminded by reporters that Earth is 600 light years from Kepler 22B, Flbzxrson shuddered and said, “Too close, way too close.”

Intergalactic sources told Grossblogger that Earth has developed a terrible reputation throughout the universe and is being shunned by most intelligent life forms.