Monday
Disguised as Abraham Lincoln, Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri sneaks into the hall and begins his lecture on “Miracles of the Female Reproductive System,” when suddenly he’s tackled by security guards and dragged from the podium, pleading, “What did I do wrong? I only said what Paul Ryan has always told me!”
Faux presidential candidate Donald Trump delivers a rousing speech, revealing new evidence that President Obama is nothing more than a holographic projection beamed into the White House by a lesbian Muslim terrorist organization based in Communist North Kenya. Audience goes into orgasmic ecstasy when he concludes with “Barack Hussein Obama, you’re fired!”
The Koch Brothers nominate Mitt Romney as the party’s presidential candidate, begging the delegates to feign enthusiasm for him and vowing, “Next time we’ll get someone better.” No one else is nominated. In a close roll-call ballot, Mitt wins a narrow victory and is acclaimed as the party’s nominee.
Tuesday
Keynote speaker Chris Christie is introduced by the ghost of Ayn Rand, who gets off to a rocky start when she kicks the minister who delivered the opening benediction but wins back the crowd with her call to privatize Congress.
Governor Christie delivers an electrifying keynote address, not only giving delegates the red meat they crave but actually eating it in front of them. Christie gets tumultuous applause when he asserts that America will not survive another four years of Obama in the White House, though he and Mitt Romney will be fine, due to sufficient stored body fat and offshore investments.
Convention is briefly interrupted when Hurricane Isaac slams into the auditorium and carries Pat Robertson away. “It’s the rapture!” he is heard shouting exultantly as he rises into the rafters.
Wednesday
Hilarity reigns as the Five Stooges—Perry, Bachmann, Cain, Santorum and Gingrich–lighten the mood with their patented slapstick routine, encoring the uproarious hijinks that lost them this year’s Republican debates.
VP nominee Paul Ryan addresses the convention, saying that even though his radical positions would be disastrous for America, he will be muzzled frequently by President Romney, so that’s not a problem. “Think about my good looks, my boyish enthusiasm and my youthful vigor when you cast your ballot,” he proclaims as female delegates toss their underwear onto the podium.
Thursday
A nostalgic filmed tribute to the glories of the Bush Administration, narrated by Chuck Norris, provides a poignant convention moment. Many of the delegates weep unashamedly as they relive such GWB triumphs as his premature Iraq war victory celebration, his “Great job, Brownie” quote while thousands drown and the near-collapse of the U.S. economy. As the film ends and the lights come up, the delegates cheer as they see a familiar figure amble out of the wings, flashing his characteristic grin—Dick Cheney.
Florida’s Marco Rubio introduces the party’s presidential candidate as “a man who Americans will learn is much warmer, less awkward and more human than they’d thought once they get a chance to be inundated by our $40 billion ad campaign that will play on all TV channels 24-7.”
In the climactic moment of the convention, Governor Romney takes the podium to polite applause and the waving of signs reading, “Mitt’s Not So Bad” and “It Could’ve Been Much Worse.” In a powerful and surprisingly honest speech, he sets forth all the positions he has taken on the issues. It lasts for 16 hours.